Faith (an essay I wrote in school)

After three weeks of chemotherapy Lynn went back to the hospital to find out if her cancer had responded to the treatment. As she sat in the uncomfortable plastic waiting room chairs, Lynn became very anxious. “I shouldn’t be nervous about this, I’ve done it enough times” she said to herself. In the past three years Lynn had many chemotherapy treatments to fight the cancer, and anxiety in a waiting room should not be an issue. Just as she was really starting to worry the doctors called her in to have the MRI. However, before a woman could have an MRI they needed to do a pregnancy test. To Lynn and the doctors surprise, it was positive. “How can that be?” Lynn exclaimed “I was was told I would never get pregnant again”. Lynn had no idea what to do with the news she was given, so she called her husband Bob. He came down to the hospital to meet Lynn and discuss with the doctors about the next steps. As Lynn was getting ready to have an ultrasound, one of the doctors pulled Bob aside. “In my expert opinion I would not go through with this pregnancy” he said. “You’re wife will not be alive in nine months”. He was advising that they terminate the pregnancy so that Lynn could continue treatment. 

Lynn and Bob were Christians and had faith that God would protect Lynn and the baby she was carrying. They believed that “He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it” (Philippians 1:6). Many doctors were certain that terminating the pregnancy was the best decision and tried to convince Lynn and Bob of that. The doctors were worried about the affects the chemotherapy would have on the fetus. The baby could be born with multiple defects and deficiencies, along with learning disabilities and other serious problems, but Lynn and Bob were putting their faith in God and had their minds made up.  With their decision to keep the baby, Lynn and Bob had to present the next steps that they were going to take regarding the pregnancy to a board of doctors. The doctors did everything they could to change Lynn and Bob’s decision, but their minds were set. 

After nine months of a healthy pregnancy Lynn was induced into labor on May 5, 1994 at Woman and Infants Hospital in Washington, D.C. To the doctors surprise the delivery was normal and went smoothing. That afternoon Lynn gave birth a beautiful baby girl, Ashley Jean Ford. Lynn and Bob thanked God for His blessings in their life and for giving them this healthy baby. 

As time passed Ashley grew and Lynn’s cancer got worse. Lynn struggled with everyday tasks and it was hard for her to move around the house. Ashley showed her love to Lynn by helping her when she needed it. If Lynn dropped something, Ashley was right there to pick it up, she was always willing to do whatever her mother needed. 

The cancer inside of Lynn was growing and her physical strength was deteriorating. She was now in a wheel chair and would soon have hospice care in her home. She knew her time was near. Lynn prayed often and she always gave thanks to God for the precious gift of Ashley. She wanted to honor God with praise and had two simple requests. First, that God would grant her life until Ashley started school. Second, that when her time came He would take her quickly. Lynn’s one wish was that she would live long enough to see Ashley go to preschool. Just months later Lynn was lying on a hospital bed in her bedroom taking her last breaths. Ashley was outside playing when she heard her father called, “Ashley, come on inside, it’s time to say goodbye to mommy”. She walked into the house not exactly sure of what was going on. Stepping into the bedroom, she saw her mother and her face beamed. “Goodbye mommy. I love you” was all Ashley said.

Camp Spofford

In the Summer of 2003 I experienced my first week at Camp Spofford, and oh what an experience that was! Camp Spofford is a Christian camp in Spofford, NH that is absolutely the best place on earth. There are many different things you can do at Camp Spofford. When you are just in elementary school you do Junior Week. In Junior Week you play all kinds of different games on the field, in the water and even in mud! It is so fun and everyone is there just to have a good time. Every day you experience high energy worship, funny games and great Bible based lessons during chapel. It is a time where the whole camp can come together and worship and learn more about God. Another daily activity is Beach Time. At beach time you can go down to the lake and go swimming, tubing, skiing, or swim out to the raft. It's basically a relaxing time. At Spofford you gain friendships and wonderful memories. After my first year I went consecutively for 8 years after that. It's always been the greatest week of my summer. But I'd have to say that the most fun I had at Camp Spofford was during Water Ski week. During Water Ski week you basically do 2 things: Water ski and play volley ball. IT. IS. SO. FUN. You get split up into 4 teams and at the end of the week there is a big volley ball tournament where the top 2 teams face each other. While your in the water you first learn to water ski with 2 skis, and then once you master that you can try 1 ski. The great thing about Water Ski week is that there are only 20 people that can do it (10 girls, and 10 boys). With only a limited number of kids, it makes the experience more personal and you get to know everyone better, and when you come back the next year, you pick up those friendships like you never left camp. 

At the end of the week, if weather allows, there is a big bon fire. The whole camp gathers together and we sing songs with just the help of an acoustic guitar. As you're singing and look up at the sky, you can see the hundreds of bright stars and it is so beautiful. One of my greatest memories at Spofford was 2 years ago during the bon fire. One of the directors was talking to us about the greatness of God and how he created the beautiful earth we live on and everything in it. He told us to look up at the stars that God crafted and as everyone looked up, a shooting star went by. It was awesome! God was totally showing off his creation that night! 

I am just so blessed that Camp Spofford has been part of my life for so long. I will never forget the memories that it has given me.

"How are you?" "Good"

So, a normal conversation usually starts with "How are you?" and then the other person says "Good, how are you?". I was on the phone the other day, and the person I was talking to asked me how I was, and I automatically said "Good, how are you?". When the other person responded, they started to say "good", but quickly took it back and confessed to me that she wasn't good. It made me think, how many times to do we robotically respond with a "good" when we are so far from good. I know that I have done this many many times. Now, I understand that you're not going to spill everything that's going on in your head to a random stranger that asks you how you're doing, but what about your close friends? Don't they deserve to know what's really going on? I feel like such a hypocrite right now because that it something I completely fail to do--tell my friends what's really going on. I have failed miserably when it comes to that. I feel like I have trained myself to alway say "good" when somebody asks me how I'm doing. 


Opening up is something that I struggle with tremendously. If someone is asking me question about how I'm doing specifically I do everything to avoid answering those questions, and if I have to I'll just drop the one-word answers like good, okay, fine, nothing etc. I just wish I could always answer honestly to how I'm doing. But the truth is, doing that scares me! It scares me a lot! The last thing I want if for someone to know what is going on in my head. And I feel like once I open the door, there is no way I'll be able to close it and I don't want that. 
I guess I'm just going to have find a happy medium. I need to choose my words wisely and always answer honestly. 

Red Bull.

So on Wednesday January 25, 2012 around 3:55 pm I had my very first sip of Red Bull. I'd have to say that it didn't give me wings. But I thought it tasted good and I think it gave me some false energy. Haha! So when I went to school the next Friday I was really tired so I decided to buy my own Red Bull, which was the worst idea ever. Over the next couple classes I finished the Red Bull. Well because of the Red Bull, I didn't not get energy at all. If anything it made me more tired. I was sitting through class and I could barely write me notes. My hand was shaking so much, it was awful. That's what caffeine does to me...it makes me shake uncontrollably. So I was just sitting in class shaking. It was awful. 

Lesson of the day: Don't drink Red Bull.

I hate school.

Okay so yesterday I went back to school. It was so FUN! Actually it totally wasn't. I had to park in Guam and it took me forever just to walk into the building. Then I had to walk up 70 steps...boy did I get a work out. I have thunder thighs now, haha not really. So getting to my classes, I realized that I bought my History book when I really didn't even need it (waste of my money). And that I'm probably failing Psychology, which isn't too good because that's what I want to major in. Meep! Well hopefully things will start falling into place and I won't have panic attacks every 5 seconds. Oh and I'm studying for ACT's too. Crazy... crazy... craziness! 
A little side note: I'm listening to the new David Crowder Band CD (Give Us Rest) on Spotify. If you don't have it. GET IT. It's absolutely amazing! 
Well back to school. It stinks. I'm just hoping I make it through. 
Pray for me please :) 
P.S. For all those that have started school "Good Luck"! I'll be praying for you!

You Are More

I'll just let this video speak for itself. It's beautiful, it really is.

New Hair, New Me...NOT!

So, I have dyed my hair red. It is quite the change from my old blonde hair. I feel like I am a whole new person. With being a new person I should change my personality, my thinking, my likes, my dislikes...everything about me, at least that's what I wanted to happen. The only reason why I wanted to dye my hair was because I thought it would look cool. I was ready for a new look. But now that I think about it I think it was more than my look that I wanted to change. I wanted my life to be different. I didn't want to be in the situations I'm in now. I wanted my thinking to change and how I reacted to situations. But that's the thing, when you change your hair color that is the only thing you're changing, nothing else. I was expecting to be a new person. Unfortunately I'm not. But I can't expect just because I changed one part of my life that everything else will change too. That's not how it works. If I want to change my thinking I'm going to have to work on that and nothing else. Changing my hair color won't do anything to change the way I think. 


So, I am still the same Ashley. I have the same personality and likes and dislikes, and unfortunatley I still think and react to situations the same way. But I'm working on that. And now I know that changing one thing about yourself doesn't change everything else. You have to put the effort in and and work on those other things you want to change, and that's what I'm going to do.  


Hopefully over time (I don't know how much time), I will change the way I think and that will change the way I view life.

A part of my soul has died..literally

So for the past year we have been trying to sell our house. So far it has been unsuccessful. We have been trying to do everything we can to make our house more appealing to those who come look at it. We have depersonalized EVERYTHING! There are no more family portraits or snap shots around the house. We store our toaster and coffee pot when people come to look because it makes the counter look cluttered. It's crazy how much has to be done to sell a house and what measures we are willing to take to make that happen. 


I collect postcards and I love to put them up on my wall, along with pictures and other souvenirs.  So basically postcards boardered all my walls, pictures were all around my mirror, Bible verses that were written on post-it notes were stuck on various surfaces, and when you walked in you could tell it was Ashley's room. Well not any more. My mom finally got to me on "depersonalizing". Now all my walls are blank and the only pictures left are the ones on the back of my door (where no one will look). My room is boring. Blah. Ughh. I do not like it. But if it will help our house sell then I guess it's worth it. 


It's just that all those post cards meant something to me. They represented the various places that I had traveled. Each had a memory of it's own, wether it was a good or bad one. I feel feel as if a part of my soul had died..literally. 

Goodbye Christmas

It's a sad thing when Christmas ends. All the decorations have to be taken down, the ornaments, the stockings, the Christmas tree. It's like all the jolliness is taken away. I think the funny thing is that we always spend so much time putting up our Christmas decorations. I know I spend one afternoon just putting up all the lights outside my house. My dad spend 2 afternoons decorating the tree. It's just the the presents we wrap. We try and wrap them so perfectly and if you're my sister, Danielle then you'll spend a ton of time on the bows, making them beautiful and perfectly placed. Then when Christmas morning comes we just rip them all apart. It's sad how much effort we put into things that are just going to be taken down or ripped apart any way. But I think in some way when we put the effort in it shoes us just how much we care. I just wish Christmas could last all year long. Not because I want all the presents, just because I want all the warmth and joy the holiday season brings. Oh I wish it could be Christmas all year long!

You might not know this about me..

Pain is something that affects us all. Whether we like or not all of us have been in painful situations. Everybody handles pain in different ways. For me, I shut down. I close my heart. I become numb and it's like I'm sleep walking through life. My heart aches and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I try to put on a mask; pretend like everything is okay, but it's not (and I feel like it never will be). 


You see, I'm clinically depressed. It's something that takes control of your whole life and you feel you will never be yourself again. I think it is one of the hardest things to fight. It brings you down in every way, it pushes you to the ground until you are all bruised and bloody and can't get up. Then it laughs in your face, mocking you about how weak you are, and kicks you while you're down. 


When depression becomes a part of your life it's hard to picture it any other way. It's hard to picture your life with REAL enthusiasm for the things you enjoy, REAL happiness, and REAL joy. It takes all of those things and flaunts them in your face. You are desperately reaching for them back, but depression just brings you further and further into it's cave until you are sucked in and can't get out. It is a scary thing when you really think about it. You are trapped and there's no way out on your own. 


I think what makes it so scary is that depression is something not someone. If it was someone you could confront them and tell them how you feel. You can express the hurt you expereince and ask them to stop. If depression was a person, they would be able to relate to what you are feeling and empathize with you. But since depression is a disorder it has no feelings and does not care that it is sucking the life out of you. 


I know that one day I will be free. And what a day that will be when I can no longer be defeated. When I am strong enough to tell depression "NO"! Oh I cannot wait. But until then I will trust in my Lord. With out Him I would have no hope and I would be desperatly lost. He is the one who will save me.