Pain is something that affects us all. Whether we like or not all of us have been in painful situations. Everybody handles pain in different ways. For me, I shut down. I close my heart. I become numb and it's like I'm sleep walking through life. My heart aches and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I try to put on a mask; pretend like everything is okay, but it's not (and I feel like it never will be).
You see, I'm clinically depressed. It's something that takes control of your whole life and you feel you will never be yourself again. I think it is one of the hardest things to fight. It brings you down in every way, it pushes you to the ground until you are all bruised and bloody and can't get up. Then it laughs in your face, mocking you about how weak you are, and kicks you while you're down.
When depression becomes a part of your life it's hard to picture it any other way. It's hard to picture your life with REAL enthusiasm for the things you enjoy, REAL happiness, and REAL joy. It takes all of those things and flaunts them in your face. You are desperately reaching for them back, but depression just brings you further and further into it's cave until you are sucked in and can't get out. It is a scary thing when you really think about it. You are trapped and there's no way out on your own.
I think what makes it so scary is that depression is something not someone. If it was someone you could confront them and tell them how you feel. You can express the hurt you expereince and ask them to stop. If depression was a person, they would be able to relate to what you are feeling and empathize with you. But since depression is a disorder it has no feelings and does not care that it is sucking the life out of you.
I know that one day I will be free. And what a day that will be when I can no longer be defeated. When I am strong enough to tell depression "NO"! Oh I cannot wait. But until then I will trust in my Lord. With out Him I would have no hope and I would be desperatly lost. He is the one who will save me.
Beautiful, utterly and absolutely beautiful. This articulated the heaviness of depression better than my psychology textbook ever did. And what's more, the hope you speak of is real! Freedom is coming! And God always chooses the weak to humble the strong. His power is made perfect in weakness.
ReplyDeleteThis is superbly written, I also love the name and the background picture. You are a very special person with important things to say, and I think this blog is a tremendously excellent idea. If it's a'ight with you, I think I might show it to one of my friends with clinical depression. Thanks for letting me read this. :)
Oh thank you so much Hayley! You have no idea how much better you made me feel about it all. Yes, you can absolutely show it to your friend.
ReplyDelete