Red Bull.

So on Wednesday January 25, 2012 around 3:55 pm I had my very first sip of Red Bull. I'd have to say that it didn't give me wings. But I thought it tasted good and I think it gave me some false energy. Haha! So when I went to school the next Friday I was really tired so I decided to buy my own Red Bull, which was the worst idea ever. Over the next couple classes I finished the Red Bull. Well because of the Red Bull, I didn't not get energy at all. If anything it made me more tired. I was sitting through class and I could barely write me notes. My hand was shaking so much, it was awful. That's what caffeine does to me...it makes me shake uncontrollably. So I was just sitting in class shaking. It was awful. 

Lesson of the day: Don't drink Red Bull.

I hate school.

Okay so yesterday I went back to school. It was so FUN! Actually it totally wasn't. I had to park in Guam and it took me forever just to walk into the building. Then I had to walk up 70 steps...boy did I get a work out. I have thunder thighs now, haha not really. So getting to my classes, I realized that I bought my History book when I really didn't even need it (waste of my money). And that I'm probably failing Psychology, which isn't too good because that's what I want to major in. Meep! Well hopefully things will start falling into place and I won't have panic attacks every 5 seconds. Oh and I'm studying for ACT's too. Crazy... crazy... craziness! 
A little side note: I'm listening to the new David Crowder Band CD (Give Us Rest) on Spotify. If you don't have it. GET IT. It's absolutely amazing! 
Well back to school. It stinks. I'm just hoping I make it through. 
Pray for me please :) 
P.S. For all those that have started school "Good Luck"! I'll be praying for you!

You Are More

I'll just let this video speak for itself. It's beautiful, it really is.

New Hair, New Me...NOT!

So, I have dyed my hair red. It is quite the change from my old blonde hair. I feel like I am a whole new person. With being a new person I should change my personality, my thinking, my likes, my dislikes...everything about me, at least that's what I wanted to happen. The only reason why I wanted to dye my hair was because I thought it would look cool. I was ready for a new look. But now that I think about it I think it was more than my look that I wanted to change. I wanted my life to be different. I didn't want to be in the situations I'm in now. I wanted my thinking to change and how I reacted to situations. But that's the thing, when you change your hair color that is the only thing you're changing, nothing else. I was expecting to be a new person. Unfortunately I'm not. But I can't expect just because I changed one part of my life that everything else will change too. That's not how it works. If I want to change my thinking I'm going to have to work on that and nothing else. Changing my hair color won't do anything to change the way I think. 


So, I am still the same Ashley. I have the same personality and likes and dislikes, and unfortunatley I still think and react to situations the same way. But I'm working on that. And now I know that changing one thing about yourself doesn't change everything else. You have to put the effort in and and work on those other things you want to change, and that's what I'm going to do.  


Hopefully over time (I don't know how much time), I will change the way I think and that will change the way I view life.

A part of my soul has died..literally

So for the past year we have been trying to sell our house. So far it has been unsuccessful. We have been trying to do everything we can to make our house more appealing to those who come look at it. We have depersonalized EVERYTHING! There are no more family portraits or snap shots around the house. We store our toaster and coffee pot when people come to look because it makes the counter look cluttered. It's crazy how much has to be done to sell a house and what measures we are willing to take to make that happen. 


I collect postcards and I love to put them up on my wall, along with pictures and other souvenirs.  So basically postcards boardered all my walls, pictures were all around my mirror, Bible verses that were written on post-it notes were stuck on various surfaces, and when you walked in you could tell it was Ashley's room. Well not any more. My mom finally got to me on "depersonalizing". Now all my walls are blank and the only pictures left are the ones on the back of my door (where no one will look). My room is boring. Blah. Ughh. I do not like it. But if it will help our house sell then I guess it's worth it. 


It's just that all those post cards meant something to me. They represented the various places that I had traveled. Each had a memory of it's own, wether it was a good or bad one. I feel feel as if a part of my soul had died..literally. 

Goodbye Christmas

It's a sad thing when Christmas ends. All the decorations have to be taken down, the ornaments, the stockings, the Christmas tree. It's like all the jolliness is taken away. I think the funny thing is that we always spend so much time putting up our Christmas decorations. I know I spend one afternoon just putting up all the lights outside my house. My dad spend 2 afternoons decorating the tree. It's just the the presents we wrap. We try and wrap them so perfectly and if you're my sister, Danielle then you'll spend a ton of time on the bows, making them beautiful and perfectly placed. Then when Christmas morning comes we just rip them all apart. It's sad how much effort we put into things that are just going to be taken down or ripped apart any way. But I think in some way when we put the effort in it shoes us just how much we care. I just wish Christmas could last all year long. Not because I want all the presents, just because I want all the warmth and joy the holiday season brings. Oh I wish it could be Christmas all year long!

You might not know this about me..

Pain is something that affects us all. Whether we like or not all of us have been in painful situations. Everybody handles pain in different ways. For me, I shut down. I close my heart. I become numb and it's like I'm sleep walking through life. My heart aches and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I try to put on a mask; pretend like everything is okay, but it's not (and I feel like it never will be). 


You see, I'm clinically depressed. It's something that takes control of your whole life and you feel you will never be yourself again. I think it is one of the hardest things to fight. It brings you down in every way, it pushes you to the ground until you are all bruised and bloody and can't get up. Then it laughs in your face, mocking you about how weak you are, and kicks you while you're down. 


When depression becomes a part of your life it's hard to picture it any other way. It's hard to picture your life with REAL enthusiasm for the things you enjoy, REAL happiness, and REAL joy. It takes all of those things and flaunts them in your face. You are desperately reaching for them back, but depression just brings you further and further into it's cave until you are sucked in and can't get out. It is a scary thing when you really think about it. You are trapped and there's no way out on your own. 


I think what makes it so scary is that depression is something not someone. If it was someone you could confront them and tell them how you feel. You can express the hurt you expereince and ask them to stop. If depression was a person, they would be able to relate to what you are feeling and empathize with you. But since depression is a disorder it has no feelings and does not care that it is sucking the life out of you. 


I know that one day I will be free. And what a day that will be when I can no longer be defeated. When I am strong enough to tell depression "NO"! Oh I cannot wait. But until then I will trust in my Lord. With out Him I would have no hope and I would be desperatly lost. He is the one who will save me.